Teenager Independence

Dear parents,

I am writing in the perspective of a 12 turning 13 year old, and with the experience of having an older brother, I believe I can legitimately say that I see both sides of the situation with teenagers. You are all parents of a 12-13 year old son/daughter. The issue of having a teenager living under the same roof is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I believe that you, as parents should provide guidance, care and patience for your teenagers but at the same time giving them the freedom to make their own decisions. I believe this should be done while showing love and support to their ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses.

It is a popular belief that teenagers are emotional, irritable and not pleasant to live with. Have you ever asked yourself why? The scientific answer you usually get is puberty. But have you ever imagined what it would be like if they didn’t desire to be independent growing teenagers? If they were content under your control, never wanting to leave the house, never questioning your commands? You have to understand that a teenager’s desire to become independent and self reliant is a natural trait leading into growing and adulthood. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault and in a way it’s not your child’s either.

Firstly, you need to let your teenager make mistakes and learn from them. “Your child needs to make some mistakes, to explore and have new experiences. This will help him learn life’s lessons and continue to shape his brain’s development.” An article stated from Center of Adolescence Healthy, part of Royal Children’s Hospital. Through mistakes teenagers learn what’s right to wrong, life lessons etc. As hard as it is to watch your child stumble and fall, you have to understand that at the end of the day they will be positively developed adults. You have to believe in their ability to take a fall, recover and learn from it. This requires patience. Usually more than you’re ready to give. There is good news though, if you can make it past this rough patch of rudeness, arguments, scowling, your lovable, kind child will emerge.

Secondly, a popular topic when it comes to teenagers is the struggle for control. As they grow they’ll begin to want more of a voice in matters. “To put it in political terms, they want a democracy in which they are a voting member, rather than a dictatorship run by parents.” Stated Teenhelp, an organisation whose goal is to bring awareness to both parents and teens.

Although, some parents may argue that they are beginning to have less and less control over their teens in some issues, they still have influence. I can confirm this with my own experience. Understand that the more illogical and unreasonable rules and regulations they become, the less serious your teenager takes you. As hard as it is to admit it, there are times where it becomes appropriate to give in to the argument. This does not mean giving them free control all the time, it means sometimes you have to admit you are arguing the losing, irrational side of the argument.

In conclusion, you have to understand that parenting doesn’t mean having full control over your teenagers. They require guidance and support, not directions and commands. You have to loosen the rope over time, letting them explore, learn about themselves, their talents and weaknesses. This means being supportive and loving, , showing genuine interest in their everyday lives, giving space and privacy, yet setting family rules. "Don't panic; stay on your child's team, even when it appears to be a losing team, and give the whole process time to work itself out." Wrote Dr. Dobson professor in pediatrics. Remember, stay patient, keep talking and keep trying.